Chuck Norris never needs a flash light, he just stares into the darkness and it moves out of the way .

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite . Chuck Norris bites frost .

Usually when kids go to sleep they sleep with teddy bear... Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear .

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it .

They were going to put Chuck Norris face on Mount Rushmore , but the rock wasn't hard enough .

Chuck Norris doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar . 

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice .

Chuck Norris once played himself in Russian Roulette , and he  won . No Questions asked . 

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding .

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door .

Death Once had a near Chuck Norris experience .

Once , Chuck Norris swam to the Virgin Islands . Now they're just called "The Islands ."

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas .

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves .

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer .

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. It's descendants are know today as Giraffes . 

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of Surprise . 

Chuck Norris has been to Mars before , that's why there are no signs of life .

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch . He decides what time is IT .

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass . AT NIGHT .

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night , he checks his closet for Chuck Norris .

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet papers, but there was a problem . It wouldn't take shit from anybody .

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack . His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him .

There is no theory of evolution . Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live .

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won .

Chuck Norris can divide by ZERO

Chuck Norris can run you over with a PARKED car.

If you spell Chuck Norris is Scrabble , you win . Forever .

Chuck Norris has the heads of King Kong , Predator and all of the 300 Spartans on his wall .

Chuck Norris died 10 years ago but the GRIMM reaper haven't had the courage to tell him .

Every February 2nd, Chuck Norris sees his shadow and beats the hell out of it .

Chuck Norris was the first one to know that the bird is the word .

Chuck Norris gave birth to his dad

Chuck Norris can kill a vampire by showing him a picture of the sun .

When Chuck Norris does a push-up , he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down .

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn , he stands on the porch and dares it to grow .

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants .

Chuck Norris doesn't have Twitter, because he's already following you .

Space is continuously expanding because other galaxies are running away from Chuck Norris .

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills . They made him blink .

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King , and got one .

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of PI

When  Chuck Norris throws a boomarang it doesn't dare come back .

Chuck Norris donates blood to NASA for rocket fuel .

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris , he finds you .

Chuck Norris doesn't read books . He stares them down until he gets the information he wants

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